i have whole conversations to myself. these days more often than not, i'm in the shower. makes for long showers that's all i'll say.
why is it that around random strangers i can be myself, be silly and carefree...blurt out whatever comes to mind. get in front of someone i know (or am trying to get to know) and regard, i turn into someone not myself, someone more reserved and who has to think twice before opening my mouth. i guess it doesn't matter to me whether or not a total stranger accepts me, BECAUSE they are a total stranger and who gives, right? but, someone who is more significant ... it does matter what they think, dammit.
funny how things change. i used to regard myself as really independent. forged my own path. made plans when there weren't any. still do to some degree. though more and more realize how over time i've leaned on people in my life and let them be a crutch. and i lean from crutch to crutch. time to start walking without the crutch again. somehow i sort of equate that to being more of a hermit. or making new hobbies. or both. i know that only made sense only to me, but go with me here... i need to not lean. which means i need to lay out my options. learn new hobbies. socialize with different circles. or maybe concentrate more on me. hmmmm.
