cause and effect

you have such little faith in real relationships or the institution of marriage that you actually believed it really wasn't meant for you. (Sorry dad, but) You really don't want to take your father's relationship route -- now happily married, but three time's a charm. you messed up your last real relationship with all kinds of misconceptions about timing and knowing yourself or your own feelings well enough to recognize a good thing, or not, when faced with it. no regrets tho, it was for the best. so you think you have a plan, or plan on having no plans. either way, you don't want to let yourself fall. but you forget that messing up is what makes you a person. and so you learn... where you find joy... and the things you don't plan for are the things you never see coming. because the thing about plans are, they don't take into account the unexpected, so when you are thrown a curveball, you have to improvise, move onto "plan b" and make the most of it.

it's almost as if I can look back just a couple of months and things are just a blur. everything just flew off as trivial, insignificant because he just turned my whole world upside down and shook it until everything fell out. my way of being in the world... changed. now, feeling the possibility of loosing what is most precious to me... has allowed me to feel something that maybe i didn't have before, but when i felt it, i felt that I could really loose. that what I take for granted might not always be.... So, I am ready for...

The Adventure (music and lyrics by Angels and Airwaves)

I wanna have the same last dream again,
the one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within,
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know,
my dearest friends,
even if your hope has burned with time,
anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
and your vicious pain, your warning sign,
you will be fine.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

Any type of love - it will be shown,
like every single tree reach for the sky.
If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I,
I felt this thing,
I can't replace.
Where everyone was working for this goal.
Where all the children left without a trace,
only to come back, as pure as gold,
To recite this all.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me

Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me),
and here we go, life's waiting to begin (do this with me).
Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me).
And here we go, life's waiting to begin,
life's waiting to begin.

st. daddy's day!

dad and daughter had a date tonight :)

i drove to san jose, picked him up, took him to dinner, started with a glass of champagne and went to the silicon valley symphony. it was fabulous. greer and dad have season tickets with the "best seats in the house" or so he says lol. they are first row in the grand stand and admittedly steller considering i'm typically stuck behind the tallest dude in the place in venues like that. the california theatre was built in the 20's and closed in the late 90's for a 5 year, 75 million dollar renovation and opened in all it's former glory 5 years ago with hand painted art deco and gold guilt ceilings, ornate stucco work and cool, different lighting. now, i'm not a huuuuge fan of art deco but all the detail and artistry is breathtaking and a vision of how i can only imagine, old buildings in europe are made, with a love of tradition and little care for cost or timing.

and the music...! "hypnotically repetitive yet infinitely exciting,... proof that in the right hands, one simple melodic motive can be spun into endless sonic variety. The melody itself is reminiscent of the traditional, seductively sinuous cante jondo singing style of the Spanish gypsies. Ravel (the composer) chose a large orchestra filled with the most colorful timbres in each instrumental group. Each repetition of the melody either explores a different instrumental timbre, or uses another instrument to double the melody at the octave or some other interval, creating a unique combination of sounds. Departing bolding from traditional rules of variation, thematic development, counterpoint, and contrast, Ravel replaces them with repetition and a gradually increasing accumulation of multi-hued sonorities."

during the performance i found myself playing a little game of sensory "concentration," like the game with cards where you have to recall where the matching pair is to the card you just flipped over, the orchestra had visual and auditory elements to match. was that a bassoon or an oboe and could you find them in the woodwind section? a piccolo or flute? is that really what a glockenschpiel looks like? it got tiresome after a bit but for the bolero! performance you were kept on your toes because of the many instrumental highlights.

complete with door-to-door service, the performance concluded and i dropped him off at home before driving back to SF. happy 66th bday, dad :)

In Honor of Ed, diagnosed last week during Colon Cancer Awareness Month

You go in for a routine check up and the doctor sees itty bitty traces of blood in your kidneys, so they run the normal tests and decide to take it one step further and do a CT scan. Low and behold your kidney is fine but you've got a tumor, the size of your thumbnail, just beside it. In the world of tumors, that is small and typically completely removable, but this tumor, small though it may be, is potent -- a stage 3 colon cancer -- so aggressive its moved into your lymph nodes and who knows where else. How can you feel totally fine, even keep your sense of humor, calling yourself a "royal pain in the ass" to your beseiged wife, and your insides be soooo messed up? How is it fair that you're only in your fifties, gotten married just a few years ago, be happy and have to stare impending death in the face?

There is no lesson here...only that I continue to be amazed at life's twists and turns. I hope I get to write again about Ed, how he survives this, how he kicks colon cancer's butt and comes out on top.


=====================================

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
February 28, 2003

National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, 2003
By the President of the United States of America
A Proclamation

Colorectal cancer touches the lives of many Americans. This year, it is estimated that more than 148,000 new cases of colorectal cancer will be diagnosed. More than 56,000 people may die from this disease, making it a leading cause of cancer death in our Nation. We have achieved great progress in understanding what causes colorectal cancer, and how it develops and spreads. This fourth national observance once again helps increase awareness. Increased awareness can help us reach my Administration's goal, known as "Healthy People 2010," administered by the Department of Health and Human Services, to reduce the rate of colorectal cancer deaths by 34 percent by the year 2010.

Like many cancers, the development of colorectal cancer can take many years. Screening is an important tool to help detect colorectal cancer early by identifying precancerous growths or polyps, when treatment is more likely to be successful.

More than 90 percent of people who are diagnosed with colorectal cancer are over the age of 50. Yet, recent data indicates that less than 40 percent of adults age 50 or older have had one of the available colorectal cancer screening tests within recommended intervals. Researchers estimate that if everyone age 50 or older received regular colorectal cancer screenings, at least one-third of the deaths would be prevented.

Individuals must realize the importance of talking with their healthcare providers about when to begin screening, which tests to have, the benefits and risks of each test, and how often to schedule appointments. To help our citizens detect this disease, the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) provides Medicare coverage for regular colorectal cancer screening tests to help detect precancerous conditions or colorectal cancer early.

The National Cancer Institute (NCI), a component of the National Institutes of Health, is the Nation's principal research agency in the fight against colorectal cancer. The NCI invested approximately $245 million in 2002, and it will dedicate an estimated $267 million this year to advance our understanding of this disease. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) also plays an important role in our efforts to save lives and reduce the burden of colorectal cancer. Last year, the CDC allocated $12 million to educate the public and health professionals about colorectal cancer screening, and to conduct and support research efforts related to increasing national colorectal cancer screening rates.

The CDC, CMS, and NCI are participating together in the Screen for Life: National Colorectal Cancer Action Campaign to educate Americans aged 50 and older, particularly minority groups, about the benefits of colorectal cancer screening. Another coordinated effort is the Health Disparities Collaboratives, a public-private partnership that involves the Health Resources and Services Administration, CDC, NCI, and the Institute for Healthcare Improvement. These groups are focusing on screening and follow-up care for people who traditionally lack access to quality health care.

During this month, I encourage Americans to join me in the crucial effort to save lives by taking action against colorectal cancer by talking with healthcare providers about screening, telling friends and family members about the importance of early detection, and providing support for those diagnosed with colorectal cancer. By working together to increase awareness and supporting research about this disease, we can make a difference in the lives of our citizens and people around the world....

Heaven Help

There comes a time
To be free of the heart
I wanna be ready
Ready to start
On a love journey
Got places to go
Made up my mind
And I have got to let you know

Heaven help the heart
That lets me inside
Heaven help the one
Who comes in my life
Heaven help the fool
That walks through my door
cause I decided right now
Im ready for love

A funny feelings coming
Over me
Now Im inspired and open to being
In a love place
But its out of my hands
Im telling you baby that you got to understand

Heaven help the heart
That lets me inside
Heaven help the one
Who comes in my life
Heaven help the fool
That walks though my door
cause I decided right now
Im ready for love
Ready for love

I cant see whats out there for me
And I know love offers no guarantee
Ill take a chance and im
Telling you something babe
I got to let you know

Heaven help the heart
That lets me inside
Heaven help the one
Who comes in my life
Heaven help the fool
That walks through my door
cause I decided right now
Im ready for love

Ready for love
Take a chance
Take the chance on love
The heart, the fool

- Lenny Kravitz