i know i don't look my age and nearly all the time I don't feel like my age (28). only when having to deal with seemingly adult problems does reality hit home. things like marriage, kids, divorce, mortgages, taxes, aging parents, and death. bleh. carelessly, I prefer to deal in the now, sorta blow by blow and looking ahead or preparing for the future has never been my forte.
well now, my mom's mom who is 86 is dying. i guess she has been for a long time but i've sort of been in denial about the whole thing just shrugging it off as old age and the natual decline of the human body, but it's never really had a difinitive end in sight. i love her dearly and am so sad that her time is seemingly so close. to this day she remains a strong matriarch and relentless foodie in my mind. "eat, eat, EAT!," she says every visit. even saturday, seated in her wheelchair, undernourished and full of her own hopelessness, she ranted at others around her to eat, eat, eat... while she stared at her food listlessly with no appetite.
before last week, I didn't know what hospice was. I didn't know that it was something you had to qualify for and that generally it was a terminal service for those not expected to live longer than 6 months. the type of help someone dying of terminal cancer or HIV might need, but my grandma too? sadly, yes. it means, for her, that all medication and health care will be provided in home, 911 is no longer called rather the hospice service is and that it is DNR (do not resuscitate). gulp. damn getting old sucks.
i guess what's hardest is that even if you accept the fact that a loved one is dying, you are left in waiting, wondering when it will happen and trying to mentally prepare for the moment you know you'll never really be ready for emotionally.
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